AITA

by Mickey Fisher

AITA FOR BREAKING UP WITH MY GF?

A little backstory: my Uncle Ray was a bit of an eccentric. Picture Steve Buscemi in GHOST WORLD. That’s what he looked like because he modeled his whole style and personality on that character and stuck with it long after the movie was popular. Uncle Ray didn’t have kids so he considered me, my brother, and my two cousins his “children.” When he died he was cremated instead of buried. 

Here’s where the eccentric part comes in.

He had his ashes divided up into four piles, then had each pile sown into the body of a miniature doll made in the likeness of Steve Buscemi’s character from GHOST WORLD. Then he “gifted” a doll to each of his three nephews and one niece. He died four years ago and I’ve been dragging this thing around with me all over the country ever since, watching over it like it’s a Ming vase because my mom is still alive and it would kill her if anything happened to her brother’s ash doll in the form of Steve Buscemi from GHOST WORLD.

A year ago I started seeing my girlfriend and last month we decided to move into my place together. I put off telling her about the doll until she moved in, thinking that there would be a good time later and I didn’t want to freak her out when things were going so well. I moved it into storage in the basement and forgot about it because honestly there wasn’t a good time to bring it up once she was settled in.

Last week we were having sex and that part of our relationship is perfect. No complaints from either one of us. But while we were in the middle of it I glanced over and saw Uncle Ray’s Steve Buscemi ash doll standing in the doorway, silhouetted by the backlight of the bathroom. It was like it was watching us. She sees I’m distracted so she looks over, sees it and freaks out. I mean screaming bloody murder freak out. She’s like what the hell is that? And I’m like why would you bring that in here? She’s like if I brought it in here would I be screaming like this? Which I thought was a fair point, but I also know I didn’t do it.

So I couldn’t help thinking she lied about it because she realized she overstepped her boundaries by snooping around in my things. Occam’s razor, right? But if that’s the case she kept up the ruse and once I explained to her exactly what it was she had another full on meltdown. She seemed genuinely creeped out so I promised I’d talk to my brother and see if he’ll let me keep mine at his house. He says yes, I plan to take it over on the weekend. Problem solved.

Two nights later, we’re doing foreplay and in the middle of it she stops and asks me where the doll is. I’m like, it’s in the basement. And then she gets kind of quiet and I’m like I told you I’d take it to my brother’s this weekend. And she says, “What if we brought it in and let it watch?”

So now I’m totally confused and she explains that once she learned my uncle’s ashes were inside and that it may be haunted (because how else would it get upstairs on its own) it really turned her on. She couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that some guy’s ghost might be trapped in this Steve Buscemi from GHOST WORLD doll and that it got off watching people have sex. The whole thing was so bizarre and taboo that thinking about it turned her on. And I’m like, well now that you’ve told me this I’ll never be able to look at the doll OR YOU in the same way again. I just didn’t know what to do after that.

The next day I decided to deal with whatever consequences I had to deal with from my mom and get rid of the doll. I loved my Uncle Ray but truth be told he was kind of a dick to me. He made fun of my Three Doors Down tattoo and tried to get me to listen to Miles Davis all the time. And it’s like I don’t want to listen to a farty trumpet dude, I want to fucking crank up “Kryptonite.” So I take this doll to the landfill, I toss it in without even getting out of my car and I’m sure you know where this is going by now but my girlfriend must have FOLLOWED ME TO THE LANDFILL, retrieved the doll, and somehow beat me home because when I got there the doll was STANDING IN MY HALLWAY.

Now the whole thing makes sense. The doll was never haunted to begin with, she must have found it and made up this whole story to cover for the fact that her kink is having sex in front of weird dolls and/or Steve Buscemi from GHOST WORLD. Which I can totally work with, but if there’s one thing I can’t deal with it’s a liar. So I just texted her and told her we need to talk when she gets home.

Please tell me: AITA for breaking up with her over this?

UPDATE*** 

She just texted me a picture of her with her friend Shelly in front of the Eiffel Tower. They drove to Las Vegas for a work seminar this morning. I guess it was on my iCal. Which only leaves one explanation which is that she paid someone to follow me to the landfill and bring the doll back and is using Shelly as an alibi. Also someone just put the doll behind me on the